Would my love for baby#2 change?
As more of my friends get into the 'baby number two' mode I wonder how much their love changes towards...everything.
I seem to remember my pregnancy with baby M, it was amazing in so many levels. Everything was new and exciting. I was so empowered and full with high self-esteem and yet, I remained calm as the pregnancy progressed.
Giving birth and becoming a mom was magical. Of course, some days were difficult, but I still managed to find myself thinking about those first-time moments even when they were that bad.
When I chat with my friends on their run for baby #2 I ask them directly if they see this next pregnancy in the same way; magical, exciting, amazing or with love. I ask for the most sincere opinion and they know I do not judge. I am like Miranda holding a martini with both hands and asking you to *sip*.
I feel so relieved to hear that they haven't felt this second pregnancy as high as the first one. In fact, they kind of confessed to me that going for their check ups were not as exciting as it used to be. Of course, their sense of relief is high - there's no more joy than knowing your baby is growing as healthy as any parent wishes - but aside from that excitement, the rest is pretty confined.
Deep down I feel that everything we do for the first time, everything we feel, we care, we get scared of, get happy for, all that, will always stayed deeper in our minds and hearts. There is something, there will always be. I just can't think beyond baby M, baby #1. I can't. I can't put together the idea there could be more or a different type of magic, more wonder or more high than the first time. My heart can't bare the thought of it, I love her so much that I can't conceive not giving her the same amount of attention. And my default goes that baby #2 would not get the same quality of me as baby M.
Thankfully, my friends thought the same thing. I appreciate knowing that it's normal having this range of emotions and diversion of thoughts, and that it's okay to feel that way and that I'm not a bad mom for conceiving them.